Death's Doorstep
by SadaraLochlan
Summary: It was suggested I write something with no babies so here we have Sadara Lochlan, at the end of her lifespan, contemplating the Vulcan ritual suicide so that her much younger bondmate can get on with this life.


Sadara awoke early that morning with mixed feelings. To be honest, that was nothing new. She had mixed feelings about an awful lot of things. It suited her mixed heritage, she had noted grimly many times over her lengthy lifespan.

And lengthy was the word. She was 241 now; old even for a Vulcan. Surprisingly old for Sadara considering she was only half Vulcan. Some Vulcans could live to be 300, but they were the exceptions rather than the rule. 200 to 250 years was considered to be the end range of the normal Vulcan lifespan. Ambassador Sarek had barely busted 200, but he had also suffered from Bendi Syndrome, a disease that affected Vulcans in a number of ways, mostly involving loss of emotional control and also shortened the lifespan.

As she sat up in bed, the wizened Vulcan/Human hybrid didn't bother looking to her bondmate's side of the bed. She knew he wouldn't be there as he would have already risen for work and departed. There was a time when their daily schedules would have mirrored each other well, but that had been decades ago when she was still young and well enough to work. Pushing her aged body up from the bed took an effort now that made her long for her younger years or at this point, even a nap. A creak echoed through the room and with a rueful chuckle, Sadara realized that she wasn't sure if it was the bed that did so or her ancient bones.

For a moment her gaze lingered on the bright Vulcan sunlight pouring in through the windows and curtains. It still perplexed her how she had to come to agree to spend her last years or decades on a planet she had avoided for much of her life. If she were honest with herself it had much to do with her bondmate, Vorik. He was a century younger than her and had at least half of his life ahead of him, but he had resigned from Starfleet to take a posting as an engineer planetside to care for his aging wife. It seemed only fair that her sacrifice to him be to let him choose where he wanted to live.

They had bonded in 2378. Sadara was already 137 years old at that point, but the age difference hadn't been so glaring then. Her beauty hadn't totally faded and she was still capable of performing her Starfleet duties.

Slowly, she willed her frail body into the bathroom and squinted hard in the mirror with large sapphire blue eyes that didn't see as well as they used to. She still couldn't get used to the fact that the face that peered back at her was actually hers. Her stark white hair once a rich dark shade of brown and thick, now painfully thin, hung limp and lifeless down her hunched back. Wrinkled skin and deep lines marred skin now nearly as pale as her hair. Part of Sadara wished that her mind hadn't retained its ever sharp clarity in the face of her physical degradation.

But that wasn't even the issue as tears sprang unbidden to her eyes. Vorik was the issue. Vorik and his future. Even Sadara was surprised at how quickly this day had come. 104 years ago when they had first bonded, it had seemed like they would have plenty of time.

Vorik's last pon farr had nearly killed her though. Her body could no longer withstand his physical needs during that time and her physician had warned that Vorik should enlist the services of one of the priestesses of Gol the next time should Sadara still be alive at that time. That was five years ago.

He was 132 years old and as with most Vulcan males, his libido had increased with age. Sadara had rarely been able to give him what his libido increasingly needed these last several years. Because she loved him, she had given him permission to see the priestesses any time he felt he needed to. If he ever went, he never told her and she sensed nothing indicating such through their bond.

Part of her didn't truly wish for death, but at the same time she felt her age and frailty had made her a burden to Vorik, though through their bond she knew he didn't feel that way. She felt he deserved to be free to choose a new, permanent bondmate; one his own age. She felt torn between what she thought was fair to Vorik and the fact that Vorik didn't share her views.

_Whose wishes should I honor?_

Her head hurt just thinking about it.

Hastening her death in the Vulcan ritual suicide would pain Vorik unimaginably, but it would free him to proceed with the grieving process and then select a new mate who could withstand his next Time. But that wouldn't be what Vorik wanted.

She opened the cabinet under the mirror and retrieved a medium sized emerald green prescription medicine bottle. The contents weren't the original though. In it, she had refilled the bottle with a substance lethal to Vulcans. Vorik wouldn't suspect as it appeared to be the medicine she took on a daily basis. Consumption of the entire bottle would result in her death in minutes. The katra stone was kept in her nightstand. She and Vorik had agreed to keep one in the house as her death could occur at any time. There was simply no way to be certain. Of course that was true for any living being, but with Sadara being half human her lifespan was uncertain.

Still not certain what was the best thing to do for herself and her husband, the white haired old woman replaced the bottle inside the cabinet and turned to look at the nightstand. The katra stone was also something she wasn't absolutely certain about. She had not lived her life as a Vulcan woman. Would her memories and experiences even be relevant to Vulcan culture and worth preserving?

With a sigh, she padded into the kitchen and whipped up some hot chocolate as she reflected on her life; a life that she was now barely a participant in thanks to the merciless ravages of time.


End file.
